It is glorious.
As long as it works.
A couple of weeks ago, my laptop lost the ability to log on to PowerTeacher. Crisis status! Panic mode, people. It meant that I had to do all the grade-entering at my desktop at work. Do you know how many papers I grade? Do you know how much "free time" I have to enter those grades while I am at work? Close to none. Most of the grading magic takes place from home, using my laptop. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I sent an email to Doug-the-Apple-guy-and-IT-director. He said that new Mac OS updates had changed the way we accessed the program, and in his brilliance, he magically created a way to make PowerTeacher's gradebook function as an app. Yeeeee hawwwwww!!! Except not. It didn't work for my little Air.
Doug-the-Apple-guy-and-IT-director probably heard my screams across campus. Either that or he checks email really well. I had to take my laptop to him for a diagnosis.
The first thing he asked was, "Why do you have so many apps open at once?"
"What?"
"Why do you have most of these apps open? Are you working between programs?"
*silence accompanied by blank stare*
"See all those tiny white lines under the icons at the bottom of your screen?"
"Barely."
"Those little lines mean you have all those programs open."
"Really? How can they be open if I clicked the red circles and closed the windows?"
"Closing the window doesn't close the program. It's still open and going. You have to go up to the top, click on the name of the program, and select Quit."
"Oh."
"Has your computer been running really slowly?"
"Super slowly."
"That's why."
*silent vow never to leave all the apps open again*
There's more to the story, but I need to camp here for now because I had one of those parable moments that my sweet friend Jane used to talk about.
I thought I had closed out the programs just because I couldn't see the window or the mini icon of the window on my computer screen. Yet the little white lines said the programs were running, even though I couldn't see them. So. My. Life.
I have a tendency to get involved in lots of things. I am a visionary. I see EVERYTHING as a possibility. I see change, improvement, development, evolution (not the Darwin kind; the other kind), growth, etc. as a BIG adventure. So I tend to rush into pretty much everything. It worked fairly well until I went back to work full time. And then... the speed at which MY processor operated ground... almost... to... a... halt.
And I realized that even though the Small Group window wasn't open on my screen, it was chattering away in the back of my mind. And even though the Cru Moms window wasn't flashing before my eyes, it was scampering with all the other things in the back of my brain. And even though the 20-or-so other things I'd committed to doing weren't on the screen all at once, they were slowly shutting me down.
God in his infinite grace gives us moments when we just can't handle everything anymore. This entire year has been one of those moments for me. I've spent months asking myself whether it was His call or my pride that led me to overcommit. An All-In sermon series at church shouldn't have brought me to a breakdown point, I didn't think. (Who on earth cuts back on things when the topic is All-In??? Couldn't be that I have an issue. Must be church leadership. My agenda is just perf... L.O.L. Yeah... no.)
I'm honestly beginning to think that my "well done" moments from the Lord come more from when I recognize that I need to say a guilt-free "no" than when I undertake another gargantuan program/project/task/activity. Less really is more... not in terms of commitment level, but in terms of the number of commitments.
So Jimmy and I have spent the past few months praying and studying and seeking counsel. Sometimes we were wise. Sometimes I have been an emotional basket case. Always God has been faithful.
Like Doug-the-Apple-guy-and-IT-director did for my computer by showing me how to Quit {whatever program/app} was slowly sucking away functionality on my computer, the Lord has been showing me how to Quit {whatever program/project/task/activity} has been sucking away my functionality in life. And by quit, I really mean QUIT. Guilt-free. Without stewing over it.
And what remains is the one thing that is needed (Luke 10:41-42).
The Lord is rebuilding my spiritual desktop. He has been defining His call for me: after Him comes family and then ministry in our jobs, church, and community. I'm learning what that looks like in practice. I've said no to a lot of things I never thought I would (sometimes openly and sometimes tacitly), and it has been freeing, and I have, for the first time in a long time, heard His voice clearly.
BRB... *worship moment*
When He whispers or brings circumstances that call me to open a new app in my life, I can hear and obey because now there is room to process and perform.
And that is glorious.
