That Writer Girl...

Animal Magnetism

     After seventeen years consisting of two dogs, four cats, five hamsters, and multiple aquarium fish, I have come to the conclusion that I do not like animals. We just don't mix. My sister is great with animals--in fact, she's been compared to an angst-ridden Snow White. In my opinion, however, I have some irreparable complaints against the animal kingdom. Some are as follows:

1) They don't speak the human tongue. We just had a discussion in my English/Closet Philosophy class about how language is the key to communication and identity. It goes without saying, then, that there is a disjunction in communication between myself and the animal population, and therefore I cannot possibly identify with them and their personal problems. I don't care how much you sit whining and staring at me with your puppy dog eyes, if you can't tell me exactly what's wrong, I'm not going to help you.

2) They don't clean up after themselves. I don't want to shovel poop out of the sand for you, kitty. If you want to poop in a sandbox so badly, I suggest cleaning it yourself, or finding a bigger one in one of the neighbor's yards.Hamsters and fish, this goes for you as well.

3) They need feeding on a regular basis. I've survived about a fourth of my life without my mother feeding me, I think pets should be able to do the same. I'm a busy person; I don't have time to run around placing bread crumbs in your path. If you're hungry, forage, or hunt, or do whatever your species was actually bred to do.

4) They smell and they shed. What more do I need to say?

5) They leave you unwanted favors. No, no, I don't want the mole you caught, or the bird, or the rabbit, or the woodchuck, or the deer, or the Sasquatch, or anything you hunted down. I don't want it dead and bleeding on my carpet, and I don't want it alive and running around my house. I don't want it, period. Do whatever you like with it (hey, eat it!), as long as I don't see it. Dogs? Dogs are worse, they bring you slobbery toys or poop.

     Those are just a few of the reasons I do not care for any species of the animal kingdom. All of the above could just as easily be applied to human babies, and I don't like them either. It's all in the personality, I guess, and mine is definitely short on "animal magnetism."

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