There will be no pictures for this post...

And... if you are a male who happens to stop by for a visit, you probably need to pretend that you have opened the door to a room where you hear hysterical female laughter. When you look inside you see a bunch of women sitting in a circle, all staring at you, only now it's completely silent. Just back out and close the door. Go on... head to the next website.

Now... girlfriends... today was the day of my "annual exam." You know what I'm talking about. So I packed my bag last night: copies of the forms I've already filled out a zillion times but have to still fill out because they want a fresh one each year, the "chart" chronicling my cyclical rush towards menopause, and the post-it notes with semi-encrypted lists of things-you-really-dread-to-ask-your-women's-healthcare-provider-but-really-need-to.

So I get there 7 minutes late for the 15 minutes early I'm supposed to be for my appointment time. Being the 7:15am appointment, I was the only patient in the practice, so when it came time to take my cute little plastic-sealed cup and write my name on it, at least no one else was there other than the receptionist to share the joy of my walk through the massive waiting room and into the restroom. Of course, that was the last time today that no one else was there to share the joy of my walk through the Valley of Humility.

When I got back to my WHNP's office, I sat there for a few minutes before she arrived. She had WRAL.com on the computer screen, so I checked the weather (it was 46 degrees) and then I looked at all the pictures of her family. Her boys are pretty much grown and her baby girl that she adopted from China isn't a baby anymore. There was a kindergarten graduation picture. Priceless.

I heard her voice coming down the hall, but this time instead of just one voice rounding the corner into the office, two arrived. She had a female student in the PA program who was working with her today. Would I mind? Of course not! Everyone knows you check your dignity at the front door in this kind of doctor's office, so I picked mine up from next to the door and flung it a little ways out on the sidewalk and just chatted and chatted about all my personal bidness with the student sitting right there. Sigh...

Then the exam. I am not going to give details. For those of you who are faithful to take care of your women's health annually, you know them anyway. Let's just suffice it to say that in the interest of educating a healthcare professional, not only was I there in all my glory with the WHNP, but the nurse and the PA student ALL came along for the ride. And just to make certain that everyone understood what was going on during the exam, there was narration too! Had this happened before childbirth, I would have been curled in the fetal position between the wall and the examination table.

Anyway... made it through to the point where I was rewarded with the words, "OK get dressed and meet me back in my office." She gave me my form and said, "I think that's it for this year," and sent me on my merry way.

At this point, I am very, very late for work. So I drive WAAAYYY faster that anyone ought to get there. I work with my students, talk with my teaching partner, and head to the restroom to change into jeans so that I can be comfortable as I go to the mall to knock out a little Christmas shopping.

Did I mention that I am in recovery from OCD? A really ugly time in my life left me in my house for weeks at a time, scared to go out in public for fear of germs. Public restrooms are THE WORST. So, of course, I take all precautions to make certain I never sit on anyone else's germs. Remember that little detail.

After accomplishing feats of balance to rival any team of Chinese acrobats as I took off my skirt and put on my denim dress slacks without letting my bare feet touch the ground, I washed my hands grabbed my bag of dress clothes and my huge purse and left the locked faculty ladies' room and headed downstairs. As I walked down the hall, a young man in student leadership passed by me. He was smiling so big. Almost laughing. How sweet, I thought. He's such a nice boy and so filled with Christmas spirit.

I rode the elevator down to the first floor and headed to the main lobby. In keeping with the dignity-less day, the toe of my crocs caught the tile on the floor and I stumbled. Didn't fall. Just stumbled. One of the receptionists said, "We saw that." I said, "Oooo... I lost 7 cool points for that," and kept heading toward the front doors on the way to the mall. As I put my hand on the bar to push open the heavy blue door, the elementary school receptionist said, "Do you know you have something hanging out of your pants?" I felt my pants and didn't feel anything. I said, "What is it?" She said, "Looks like it might be toilet paper. Were you all doing one of those creative activities in class?" Uh... no.

Sure enough, there were about two feet, 24 inches, of toilet paper hanging down from the waistband of my pants. Nice. At which point I think the middle/high school receptionist may have fallen out of her chair across the lobby, laughing. I think I brightened her day considerably... a member of her family had the same thing happen to her at the mall one time and a stranger stopped them to announce the problem. At least I didn't make it out the door to the mall before someone stopped me.

I called my mom and shared the events of the day with her. She might have fallen out of her chair laughing too. She told me I probably ought to go home. I did. I think my dignity was last seen boarding a freighter that was headed for China. It will be a long time before we meet again.

So what do I do to recover... I, a Gen-Xer-millennial-wannabe... I come home and write a blog post about it. Nice. Indeed.